First Message Dealbreakers

The world of online dating is a mixed bag and these days it's rare that I even get excited for a date anymore.  But before we ever make it to the date, we have to get through the exchange of messages and there are a number of crimes that are surefire ways to get their messages sent straight to the trash.  Here are a few:

• The first message is fewer than 5 words.
• i.e. what's good?  wats up?  hey sweetie.  wanna chat?

• You mention my looks. 
• If you're sending me a message, I can assume that you find me at least moderately attractive.  I don't need you to tell me that I'm hot or that I have a great smile or that I'm beautiful.  I look in the mirror; I already know that. 

•  You tell me that you'd rather just talk on the phone and you include your number or ask for mine.
• Yes, before we go on a date I need to know that your voice doesn't sound like you're going through puberty (that's actually happened), but I need to exchange a couple of messages to know that you have a brain and there aren't going to be crickets on the phone line. 
• Your primary picture is you with your shirt off.
• You're a douchebag.  But I might make an exception on this one if your message is especially  witty...but I'll still let you know I think you're a douche.  
• You mention money or your car. 
• You're a douchebag. 
• You don't mention a single specific thing about my profile. 
• My profile is awesome, so there are lots of things to comment on.  If you mention none of them then I will assume that you copy and paste the same message to every woman you find even slightly attractive.  
• You can't form a sentence. 
• If you can't write out the word "you", there are excessive typos, or I can't figure out what you're trying to say then I don't want to talk to you.  Also, if you have to write lol after every other sentence, you're probably not funny.  
• You don't give me anything to respond to.  
• You're self depricating.
• This isn't a dealbreaker 100% of the time, but if you send me a message about how you're not expecting me to respond because no one ever writes back to you, I'm going to reply with some variation of this message:  "There is a reason women don't respond to you."
• Your username sucks. 
• I don't care if  your username is boring, but if includes any of the following, you're not getting a response:  69, hotcakes, sexyluvr4u, imsuprrich. 

• You address me by using a pet name.  

• You're old enough to be my father...or grandfather. 

• You were born and raised in Miami and you've never lived anywhere else. 
• You don't know that you're a whack job and I'm not going to bother telling you why.  But for the sake of the rest of the world, please stay your ass in Miami.