The Return of the Creepy 34 yr old & Date #8 The cocky dude who shot his dog.

First, as you remember, I sent that email to that man who was wishing me goodnight after the first time I spoke with him. He originally responded with this response:

RE: hey

wow, sorry to hear that. good luck. you seem like a great girl.

jon

Personally, if someone ever said something like what I said to him to me (which they wouldn't because I'm not a creepster), I wouldn't even bother writing back. However... that was fine that he said that and I left it be. Until last night (while I was waiting for my date to show up, ironically) I get this message: 

Re: RE: hey

your email has bothered me today. u seemed like a great person and to be so judgemental sucked. I am in charge of 11 employees and all of them I say I hope u have a great night sorry if your used to jack asses. but I am old school and polite. never has anyone said I should be any different. and from a sox.fan. I was excited to get to know u. sorry I know it means nothing but had to say it

First of all, how you do have 11 employees if you can barely form a sentence, use "u", and don't know the correct usage of your/you're?! Are you a manager at Mickey D's?! And I never understand this "You seem like a great person" thing. You don't know me. Just because I can send a nice email doesn't mean I am nice. Clearly, I'm not. And no-this doesn't mean I only date jackasses, this means I date men that don't wish me goodnight the first day I talk to them!

However, I was hanging out with 2 friends last night (after my date--I'll get to that shortly) and they told me they thought this was perfectly appropriate that he was emailing me more than once and saying these things. 

On to Date 8.

We went to a local bar (5 mins from my house--that's how I like it). He was actually a lot cuter than I thought he was going to be (He was one of those where he looks cute in some pictures--but not so much in others) but short (I'm trying to get over this whole I deny you immediately if you're under 5'9 thing). We went inside and sat at the bar. And chatted. He shot his dog when it was old to put it out of its misery (is this REALLY first date conversation?). He was just kind of cocky which I really dont like--he made sure to tell me about what schools he applied to for grad school (Yale, Harvard, Cornell, Johns Hopkins) and to tell me that my apartment complex where I live sucks (his condo is soooooo much better). Also, he may have a drinking/gambling problem. 

Now the weirdest thing. First of all, he was texting on the date. Big no-no. Turns out, (I of course totally read his texts as he was texting--he referred to me as a "chica") his friend was on his way down to south jersey and was just so happening to pass the bar. So when it was time to leave (I had other evening plans-which he knew) he decided he was going to stay at the bar because his friend was going to come hang out with him. NOW, if I didn't know any better, I would think he scheduled two dates at the same place. However, I did read the text to his friend so I know he didn't. I may have liked him more if he had scheduled 2 dates in a row, because that's kind of awesome and funny. So I left, didn't pay for my drink, and haven't heard from him since. 

I'll play doctor if you play nurse

That should never be anyone's headline.


Also... why do you have a fetish with fugitives? Clearly you have some kind of role playing issue.

"I admire anyone who can jump into cold swimming pools and have the guts to swim themselves warm. It's the best way to start the day, or end it. Plus you're too sexy for clothes if you're a swimmer. FACT. If I made a reality TV show, I would drop 10 people separately in the ocean with nothing and the first person to swim to a rescue boat gets to make out with a Baywatch-style life guard. The rest can be captured by Pirates and taken fugitive. Yes, I do like to take fugitives. "

" I got to get outta here, pronto. I got a stage five clinger. Stage five, virgin, clinger. "

A 34 yr old winked back at me, so I sent him a very nice lovely first message.

He responded to me, in a pretty normal way... but he seemed to be slightly showing off by listening all the cool Red Sox games he had ever attended. A little annoying, but I could see past it.

Then, I didn't respond right away (I sometimes pretend like I have a life when I really read most messages instantly)... and another one came through. It said...

hey

good morning! so do you have school today? hows grad school going for ya??? you must live pretty close to TCNJ. My friend coaches there. Well just wanted to say hi, have a great day!!! Hope you dont mind me emailing you again.

J*****

First of all, why do you care if I have school? I understand you asking how its going. That's fine. And yes, I do mind you emailing me again. wait for my response. It was like 11 hours in between the two, 8 of which I was sleeping.

So I write him back. Don't answer his questions about where I live/if I have grad school, but give him another chance. He responds with this email: 

he said

10 hours ago

RE: hey

haha, well i lived just outside Austin, and that city is amazing. I hated dallas and houston with a passion. I live 5 streets from town, and i live right on the river. ITS BEAUTIFUL. i run or bike the bike path alot, and its a nice town to walk into. I am heading into work now for a meeting, then i have practice tonight till 7. id love to chat sometime if your interested. you seem like a very trustworthy girl and only cause your a sox fan. text me if you would like, 401-***-****.

Have a great day!!!!!

J*****

Apparently I am trustworthy. I don't write him back or text. Because you know, I have a job. And then it completely slipped my mind, until I get another email. 

hey

hope you had a great day. 

good night.


j****

Dude... that's stuff you say to your girlfriend. Not a random girl you don't know. He will be getting an email back. To tell him the mistake of his ways. Note the uncapitalized J in his name... he was slowly dying because I didn't respond right away!


This is what my email back says: 


Hey J****, I enjoyed our initial email exchanges but I'm going to have to say that I do not think we are a good match. I don't think its appropriate to email a complete stranger twice in a row without a response, nor do I think it's appropriate to send one just to say "hope you had a great day" or "good night". That is the type of email I would expect from a boyfriend, and not from a stranger. Good luck in your search, and you may want to tone it down a bit with the next girl you talk to. Lily

Did you go to elementary school?

he said

18 hours ago

that wasnt soposed to say that

it was soposed to say, you are a very beautiful woman and someone who seems like a lot of fun, judging by your profile i think we have alot in common.

he said

Yesterday

Not only...

Are you beautiful, you seem like alot of fun! Just had to say that.

Funniest Message I've Ever Gotten.

Backstory: I wink at this guy. He winks back. He rejects me. So I sent along an inquisitive email for shits and giggles. These are the two emails I get in response.


Email #1: 

RE: Subject

nothing personal, after i saw ur other pics, u seem a very, very active person, and were this 10 years ago, id be all about it, but i have 2 ruptured discs in my back which are in constant pain...but on the plus side i talked my dr into giving me handicapped parking, which is kinda cool, but yeah i just did the reject because i prob couldnt keep up with you

Email #2: 

what i really meant was...

i would love to be your friend, hanging out occaissionally on my good back days, few and far between that they are, oooh since you love grammar correcting, does that love transfer over to the word game big boggle? But yeah we can be good friends, you just lead too active of a lifestyle for me to keep up with, and if we dated, you would be sick of me within a week or two. but i will drive you crazy if you are punctual, because im bipolar ADHD and am a whirlwind of conflicting thoughts, and i just remembered i had to meet a friend 9 minutes ago 15 minuntes from my house....not very punctual, but gotta run, dont hate me, and dont take the rejection personal, i just didnt want u to look forward to maybe dating me and then be disappointed by what you came across when you met me 
nick

All Quiet on the Western Front

I winked at 50 men yesterday and match yelled at me. I swear they are withholding men from me. And they slowly release them one by one into my searches. So it's a quest to find the attractive men. I know there are more then like 2 men that live in Princeton that are on this website (And one lives in a farm house).

I did call that boy back--and we were supposed to go out Sunday. Due to a hangover and me feeling like I didn't want to move--I cancelled on him. And I haven't heard from him since. Oh well. He was questionable anyway.

Anxiety Attackers.

That was really supposed to say anxiety attacks but the "er" slipped in there and made it funnier.

I hate talking to these match men on the phone. I get anxiety attacks. I give them my phone number and tell them to call, and then when they do, I never answer.

This man has a deep voice. He doesn't sound like a pansy like I would have found the last two did if I had bothered to talk to them on the phone. I MUST call this one back. I will call back on my ride into P-town. Because that's not dangerous.

The Doughboy

I'm not sure why I bother going on the dates I'm not excited for.  In my experience thus far the feeling I've had bad feelings before the bad dates and good feelings before the good dates. 


I had been looking forward to my Saturday night date all week and it didn't disappoint.  As usual I agonized over whether or not to wear a dress.  There are several reasons that I prefer weeknight first dates.  One is that a dress is not required.  Another is that you can always use work as an excuse to cut it short if the date sucks.  I reserve weekend first dates only for men with serious potential.  The Doughboy qualified.  We met up Saturday night at a trendy lounge in one of my favorite areas of South Florida.  We had delicious drinks and easy conversation.  I popped his internet dating cherry.  He's a white boy who speaks fluent Spanish and dances salsa.  I seem to be good at finding, and liking those (see Thomas).  Naturally, after the lounge we went to a Spanish place and danced salsa.  Luckily it was still early, so we were the only ones there...only the Doughboy and the bartender were witnesses to my terrible excuse for salsa dancing.  We made two or three more bar stops before going back to his place. 

Despite the heavier than usual first date drinking (how quickly we forget the lawyer), I behaved appropriately.  We watched football or football highlights(?)  It was after midnight, so I'm not sure what kind of football is on at that hour.  We kissed a little and made plans for a second date, which will be to the infamous Calle Ocho on Monday.

Shawwwwwwwty

Ugh. This boy is only 5'7 but he's super funny. If he says he's 5'7 that means he's really like 4'9. Ugh. 

The Ugly Vegetarian Re-Emerges.

I think he read too many manuals that said to wait 3 days to call.


He texted. To ask me to watch reality tv with him. I'm not sure where he wanted to watch--seeing that he lives in a farm house with no television. 


I chose to not respond. 

Date #7 Complete. It lasted about an hour and a half.

We shall call this boy The Ugly Vegetarian.

I called him when I parked in town to see if he was there yet. The moment I heard his voice...I was like, oh great. This is going to be bad. New Rule--Talk to the men on the phone before meeting. When I walked up...I wasn't disappointed (remember, I'm thinking--Oh god. Hes going to be terrible). He was. He had a wrinkley shirt on. And weird shoes. And his hair was a hot mess. He needed a haircut. It was an awkward hello. We went inside and sat upstairs. We talked about his love of cranberry juice and how he doesn't really drink. And the old lady who owns a farm who's house he lives in. And how she feeds him. WTF? We can't get it on in the farm house. You have a real job...get a real apartment. And he has no TV. Not cool. How am I supposed to watch reality tv after we get it on?????

So we ate. It was fine. Conversation never really stopped. We mostly discussed cranberry juice. And reality tv. And cranberry juice.

Then he paid. Then we left. I hugged him goodbye in front of all these people in the parking garage. And said it was nice to meet him. Everyone prob knew we were an online date. I hope he never contacts me. I think he knew we weren't a good match.

I actually had a moment when we were being seated when I wanted to flee. And be like... I have to go. We're not a good match. But I didn't. This was worse than Airforce Boy.

New Rules:

*No military
*No men that only have two pictures and are questionable looking.
*No midwesterners. They're all weird.


He's not even vegetarian for any reason. Just because he wants to eat healthy. So...he had french fries with his dinner. I told him I would be eating a large cow for dinner.

First Message Dealbreakers

The world of online dating is a mixed bag and these days it's rare that I even get excited for a date anymore.  But before we ever make it to the date, we have to get through the exchange of messages and there are a number of crimes that are surefire ways to get their messages sent straight to the trash.  Here are a few:

• The first message is fewer than 5 words.
• i.e. what's good?  wats up?  hey sweetie.  wanna chat?

• You mention my looks. 
• If you're sending me a message, I can assume that you find me at least moderately attractive.  I don't need you to tell me that I'm hot or that I have a great smile or that I'm beautiful.  I look in the mirror; I already know that. 

•  You tell me that you'd rather just talk on the phone and you include your number or ask for mine.
• Yes, before we go on a date I need to know that your voice doesn't sound like you're going through puberty (that's actually happened), but I need to exchange a couple of messages to know that you have a brain and there aren't going to be crickets on the phone line. 
• Your primary picture is you with your shirt off.
• You're a douchebag.  But I might make an exception on this one if your message is especially  witty...but I'll still let you know I think you're a douche.  
• You mention money or your car. 
• You're a douchebag. 
• You don't mention a single specific thing about my profile. 
• My profile is awesome, so there are lots of things to comment on.  If you mention none of them then I will assume that you copy and paste the same message to every woman you find even slightly attractive.  
• You can't form a sentence. 
• If you can't write out the word "you", there are excessive typos, or I can't figure out what you're trying to say then I don't want to talk to you.  Also, if you have to write lol after every other sentence, you're probably not funny.  
• You don't give me anything to respond to.  
• You're self depricating.
• This isn't a dealbreaker 100% of the time, but if you send me a message about how you're not expecting me to respond because no one ever writes back to you, I'm going to reply with some variation of this message:  "There is a reason women don't respond to you."
• Your username sucks. 
• I don't care if  your username is boring, but if includes any of the following, you're not getting a response:  69, hotcakes, sexyluvr4u, imsuprrich. 

• You address me by using a pet name.  

• You're old enough to be my father...or grandfather. 

• You were born and raised in Miami and you've never lived anywhere else. 
• You don't know that you're a whack job and I'm not going to bother telling you why.  But for the sake of the rest of the world, please stay your ass in Miami. 

Ways to not pick up girls on dating websites:

Man: You are sooooo hot
Man: I would take you on a date. A makeout date.

Date #7 on Thursday. Dinner. I hate dinner dates.

Date #8 is in the making. The dude didn't even ask if I was free Saturday---just said he wanted to do it then. Geez dude, don't you assume I have a life??

I just re-enabled my okcupid account. I need help. I cant stop. I'm addicted to online dating. And getting the shit harassed out of me already. Worst website ever.

Dating Debacles

Like Lily, I will share with you my dating experiences to date.  

Guns & Grillz Greg*

Greg was my first online date, and my first date after moving to Miami.   He was hot and his messages were funny, so we went out to Las Olas, a strip with lots of bars and fun places.  Our first date was fun until on the way home he unholstered his (legal) gun and placed it on my lap.  Most girls wouldn't go on a second date after that, but I sort of like guns, and besides that blunder, the date went well.  On our second date he made me watch Twilight.  On our third date (I know, I know...but give me a break.  I didn't have any friends yet) he showed up at my door wearing grillz on his teeth and went on a rant about how AIDS was invented by God to punish gay people.  That was our last date.  

John*, what's his last name?

 John was very ordinary.  We had a good time on our first and second dates and started seeing each other fairly regularly for about 3 months.  We did favors for each other and drove each other to the airport when we went away.  I went away for Christmas break and he stopped talking to me...until Valentine's Day when he asked what our plans were...

Thomas*

Then there was Thomas.  Thomas and I started dating in January right after the John fiasco.  Every email he wrote me made me laugh out loud.  Our first date was supposed to be lunch on a Saturday.  Our date ended 11 hours after lunch.  Our second date was three days later and our third date was two days after that, and before you knew it we were practically joined at the hip.  But 5 months later he moved back to TX where he was from. 

Tony* the Tiger

Tony was my first date after Thomas moved.  I wasn't blown away by his emails and I had lukewarm feelings about his looks, but I was bummed about Thomas so I decided to go on a date with him.  We went to a Chinese buffet where he told me the ins and outs of being a security guard.  He also told me I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever been out with.  Tony never heard from me again.  

Slick Rick*

Rick and I exchanged a few emails and talked on the phone a few times prior to our first date.  The conversation flowed beautifully.  Then we went on a date to Lincoln Road where it seems we ran out of things to talk about.  After we finished eating, we went to see Inception so that we wouldn't have to talk to each other.  The movie made the date worth it.  

Bill* the Lawyer

Bill is a wealthy man, so on our first date he took me to a very expensive steakhouse on South Beach called BLT Steak.  It was by far the fanciest restaurant I'd ever been to, so naturally I had some wine to calm the nerves.  In retrospect, some wine was probably more like a bottle.  We went back to his place where I passed out on his couch.  This could have been a disastrous situation that I would not be blogging about, but thankfully, Bill was a gentleman and put me in his bed and politely spent the night on his couch.  You'd think if a girl drank so much she passed out on your couch during your date you'd run in the other direction.  Bill however, was not deterred.  We went out the next day and he has since taken me to a baseball game where we had arguably the best seats in the world.  

Crazy Chris*

You will learn more about me as this blog progresses, but for the purposes of this story, all you need to know is that I work at a state psychiatric hospital as a social work intern.  Chris and I met up at a coffee house.  I was particularly excited about this date, but when I arrived he was cuter than his pictures had led me to believe, so I held out a glimmer of hope.  We talked about all the first date stuff:  friends, family, school, and work.  So after I finished my schpiel about enjoying helping the psych patients and feeling bad that they'd lived normal lives until their psychotic breaks, he disclosed that he'd had a psychotic break 3 years ago for which he'd required hospitalization.  While I'm glad he felt comfortable sharing, I would have appreciated him using some discretion.  Certain topics are not meant to be discussed on a first date.    

--Rika

*Names have been changed to protect the identities of these poor men.

Clearly, I have been very successful with this whole online thing.

Summary of my online dating experiences so far:


Date 1: Peter the lawyer. PTL only had two pictures on his profile which should have been red flag #1. But he was going to be my first date, and though he sounded like a hyperactive child on crack during the phone calls, I still chose to go. We decided on Indian food. Near where he lives (Red flag #2...the guy should always come to you on the first date). I get there, before he does, even though he lives 2 seconds away. I call and tell him I will wait in my car until he arrives. He arrives. He gets out of his car and runs around the parking lot. Literally, runs. Looking for me. I'm not sure why he didn't just call me, but I get out of my car and lasso him in. He has an incredibly small head. He is dressed nicely though.


We go inside. I'm bored. Dinner is delicious. He goes to the bathroom at least five times. He tells me stories I don't care about. I'm still bored. He shows me a video of dolphins jumping out of the water. I'm falling asleep at the table. We leave. 


He gives me a hug. And runs away. 


Two months later (with no word after our date [thank god]), he texts me. He wants to know the name of the chicken that I ate that night. I tell him. Haven't heard from him since. One down, five to go.


Date 2: The Gym Teacher. He was kind of cute. We went to dinner. It lasted an hour. That's it. An hour. He told me he'd call me and we should do it again. Never heard from him. 


Date 3: German Boy. He lived in Germany. I mean, for like a few months. Not now. That would be weird.  His profile said he was 5'7 but he was really like 5'4. He drove to our date in a super crazy thunderstorm. He was perfectly nice. And not so perfectly short. He made me rate our date. I gave it a 7. That apparently meant I didn't really want to see him again. I told him I'd go on a second date with him. He wanted me to drive to him for it. It was like an hour and a half away. So I lied. And said that I was seeing someone else. Oops.


Date 4: The Comedian. He asked me what size pants I wore before the date. And he had a credit card with a picture of himself on it. Enough said.


Date 5: Army Boy. We texted a lot and talked a lot and our two dates were good. Until he booty called me for the third and I told him no and then he blocked my phone number. Can we say.... crazy?


Date 6: Airforce Boy. Sticking with the rules of dating no men in the military, Airforce boy was 6'4 and blond. Sounds good, looked good, until he opened his mouth and I thought that he may possibly have a mental issue. Possibly a serial killer. Possibly has aspergers. Possibly is just weird because he's from Ohio. Haven't heard from him since our date. 


Date 7....... Up Next!